paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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