I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
