My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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