A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
