did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
