White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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