I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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