my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
