A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize