I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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