So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
