dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
