Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
