I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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