So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Randomize
