I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
