just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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