quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
