So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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