Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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