Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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