i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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