do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish you could order shots online.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
