TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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