nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I stole a fireplace last night.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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