I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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