Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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