i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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