remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think my vagina is haunted
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
