I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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