Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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