I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
