I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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