When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
