Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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