u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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