I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
