why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
