Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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