He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
