alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
