So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
