I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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