Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
