After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
