Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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