The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
