a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
