please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
