i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
