bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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