I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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