You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
