Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
